Just as I was seeking suitable objects to gouge the eyes out of 2016, immolate it and send it off to blazes, I saw a post this morning reminding us of the good things in 2016.

Sigh.

My temper tantrum can wait, I suppose.

The poster was right, you know.

Yes, there was indeedy do a lot wrong – a whole lot wrong with 2016. But, I’ve never been a fan of throwing the baby out with the bathwater – and the end of this year is no time to start.

So – what went right? Moreover, how do I find the bright in so much sorrow?

Well, the “big event” in JudiLand, as my friends and followers know all too well, was the loss of my husband. He passed away three months (precisely to the day, in fact) after he was handed his “death sentence” by the doctors.

Three months can either seem like an eternity or a second, depending on your viewpoint. I tried so hard to stretch them into an eternity. I was afforded the “luxury” (if you want to call it that) of the realization that his time remaining on earth was going to be short. I got to say I love you countless more times than before. Unlike those who have lost loved ones suddenly in an accident, a murder, a tragedy – I, we, were given “advance warning”. I took the opportunity I was given to love him harder, stronger than I ever had. I was blessed, yes blessed by a community of caring souls who allowed me to devote each second of his final days to his care without concern for keeping a roof over our heads.

But, in retrospect, three months passed faster than a comet. Did I do enough? Love enough? Make up for any real or imagined slight that may have occurred in the previous two decades? I’d promised him when we met that I’d love him for as long as I had him and I’d always try to make him smile. All I am left with now is the hope that he knew, even in his unimaginable pain the last few years of his life, that he was the sun that my world revolved around. I’ll flatter myself by thinking that he did, but I will always wonder if I could have done more.

Also, in those three months and the months afterward, I learned a valuable lesson – death truly does bring out either the very best or the very worst in people. Support poured in from the most unlikely of places, and duplicity, avarice and downright hatefulness also surfaced in people and places previously unimaginable. The entire year, in fact, was an unmasking if you will – of people who talk the talk but aren’t willing to walk the walk as well as a revelation of who the people are that you truly know who you can count on in even the darkest of times.

Things that seemed earth shaking half a year before suddenly lost their importance. And fear has now become a commodity that lost a lot of its power. In a conversation with my sister a month after hubby’s death, I confided that I thought what was “holding me back” from completing the book was fear. She stopped me in my tracks and pointed out that I had just had my husband die in my arms as I was trying to save him, and, “After that – what the hell do you have to be afraid of?”

Truth.

Hard truth.

And the swift kick in the posterior I needed to move forward.

I had faced the end of the world – the end of his world, and the world we knew together anyway – and yet, I was still here.

There is an Irish blessing that says, in part:

“I wish you not a path devoid of clouds, nor a life on a bed of roses, not that you might never need regret, nor that you should never feel pain.

No that is not my wish for you.

My wish for you is: That you might be brave in times of trial, when others lay crosses upon your shoulders.

When mountains must be climbed and chasms are to be crossed; when hope scarce can shine through.

That every gift God gave you might grow along with you.

And let you give the gift of joy to all who care for you.

That you may always have a friend who is worth that name, whom you can trust, and who helps you in times of sadness. Who will defy the storms of daily life at your side.

One more wish I have for you: That in every hour of joy and pain, you may feel God close to you.

This is my wish for you and all who care for you.

This is my hope for you now and forever. “

I’ll add to that – I wish for you the necessary kicks in the posterior, administered as needed, whenever you stop for too long overthinking or fearing your next move forward.

I wish for you the clarity of discernment without too much attendant pain, so you can navigate through people and situations that do not have your best interests at heart.

I wish for you wide eyed wonder and gratitude at the small miracles that are presenting themselves to you each day, and not only the wisdom for you to see them, but the will to seek them out – especially on cloudy gloomy days.

At the end of a most challenging year, I’ve found friends who are truly worth that name, who have stood with me in defiance of the storms and who have helped me be brave in times of trial.

In 2017, I hope to give the gift of joy to all of you in return.

But 2016 still sucked scissors.

Wow.

A somewhat recent addition to my FB friends “unfriended” me last night after I repeated my plea for no political comments on my wall. Unlike Twitter, which was my political butt-kicking stomping ground for many moons, FaceBook has always by design been my apolitical refuge.

Someone had posted a politically tinged comment to an innocuous status of mine. The “unfriender” responded with a long mean screed questioning not only the first commenter’s political preferences, but calling him a few choice names in the process.

My request:

“Quick public service message. I dearly love and adore each and every member of my FB family. In these many moons, my friendships have managed to span the gamut of all political parties as well as several countries. So, my Facebook has become sort of a mini UN (without the yucky connotations, thank you.)
Especially after the events in my life the last several months, I’m not interested in rehashing contentious political happenings nor do I want to have to referee squabbles of anything more weighty than Star Wars vs. Star Trek.
Each one of you mean more to me as human beings and beloved friends. Your political viewpoints aren’t even on my radar and I’d like to keep it that way.
Please let me just love you guys for you.
Thanks.”

Boom.

“Unfriend”.

WTH?

Looking at this person’s time line, in a brief (very brief, I might add) contemplation to send another friend request (I didn’t) – I discovered that it’s one hate filled, anger filled post after another. I had no clue that someone could feed such negativity and hostility day in and day out.

As I was pondering that decision (and yes, I do ponder), hours later I got a DM from a long time FB buddy thanking me for all the smiles and love throughout the last year.
It had been a rocky, emotional twelve months for her with more critically serious health problems than I’d like to recount.
That one message put “the year that was” into sharper perspective for me.

I’m reminded of the round (a canon perpetuus or infinite canon if you will) that I learned ages ago: “Make New Friends, but Keep the Old. One Is Silver and the Other’s Gold” where everyone began singing the same lyrics only at different intervals.

Those words have been playing in my head this morning.

You’ve all entered my life at different intervals, and yet we’ve created a harmony of sorts that is meaningful and beautiful.

Yes, I still FaceBook. It’s what we old farts do, for Pete’s sake.

Conservatively, I’d estimate that perhaps as many as a hundred of my FB friends are all literally facing life or death health crises. Cancer, kidney failure, heart disease, amputations, multiple sclerosis. Hundreds more have suffered an unspeakable loss in their lives recently. Some of my friends handle it with grace and aplomb, some bitch to high heaven. And I love, yes, love each and every one of them.

There are far too many who did not make it through 2016 to greet the New Year with me. And I’m sadly certain that many more won’t be around to ring in 2018. Some other new friends, and some old ones as well unfortunately, have seemingly chosen to base their friendships on superficiality. Those are the ones who won’t be accompanying me into next year either through their own volition or mine.

But the rest of them – they’re my precious jewels. For the past 10 years, I honestly have made it my mission to find something, to say something, to share something that I think might bring a smile to someone’s face – and to share at least one thing like that every day. I realize I’m not curing cancer or bringing world peace – I’m just trying to make our shared journey through the cosmos a little less unpleasant. And in the end, that’s really all I can do.

Other than a smattering of quasi-political tweets, I’m shifting my focus on Twitter as well. Admittedly, I was knee deep in the mud slinging during the campaign and, it was draining. That level of outrage, that seething anger (okay, some damned funny snark, too) is unsustainable for me.

Sorry peeps. I cannot “do” the hate anymore. If the worst thing in your life is politics, God love you – you’re blessed to have only that weighing on your psyche.

Also no longer welcome in 2017 are negativity, doubt and gossip (unless it’s really juicy and salacious). (JK).

In my introspection of the Year-That-Was-a-Dumpster-Fire, I’ve come to the conclusion that we hate 2016 because in the end, it challenged our beliefs; it stripped bare our hypocrisies; and it ultimately forced us to confront our own mortality.

But I’ve also found something to love from the Year That Sucked Scissors – amazing bits of joy and comfort from my myriad acquaintances on social media. The shared humanness, the compassion, the concern – that’s what I want to hold on to ever so tightly as we face a new year, a new beginning.

I choose to have the positive, the hopeful, the compassionate and yes, the silly/funny accompany me into 2017. I’d be honored to have you join me.

My self imposed hiatus was a surprise to me, too.

A few things had been set in motion that all came together, however and the gut punch that I really thought I’d successfully dodged for weeks now finally hit. It brought me to my knees and then smacked me a few more times while I was down for good measure.

Although I’d already made and communicated my plans to go solo on Thanksgiving and accepted an invitation from my sister for Christmas, I found out that two much loved family members had been abandoned on Christmas (and one on Thanksgiving AND Christmas) by the very people that I had wrongly assumed would make sure they weren’t alone on those days. That brought me some pangs of guilt, despite my assertions to myself that “this is no longer my circus nor my monkeys”.

After making it through the holiday relatively unscathed, I got the brilliant idea the day after Christmas to make a prime rib, using my beloved math method, and photographing every step from start to finish for a future blog, or perhaps for the cookbook I’m still threatening to write.

Hubby and I were married on the 26^th. It had been our tradition to say “Happy Anniversary” to each other on the 26^th of each month. That should have been yet another warning sign, or at least a nudge to perhaps do my cook-a-rama on another day.

I unstopped a lovely Cabernet for the base of the au jus. Probably shouldn’t have had a glass of it, but – well, you know. And, before the rib was scheduled to emerge triumphantly from the oven, I pulled out the carving set.

I’d bought that carving set for hubby just before our second Thanksgiving. We even joked when I gave it to him that “Today, you are a man”. But, dang – he took his carving duties to the next level. Seriously. He watched videos, read articles and perfected the art of carving a turkey into perfect slices so beautiful that they could grace the cover of a magazine as opposed to looking like pulled pork. Likewise with hams and, of course, prime rib.

Only this year, he wouldn’t be here to ooh and ahh nor to carve beautiful slices of the delectable roast. That, like so much else, is now my domain.

I’d already figured that I would at least need a day to “decompress” after the Christmas weekend.

So there I sat.

In my self-imposed solitude, I cried harder than I think I’ve ever cried – accompanied with deep, chest shaking wails of anguish for what seemed like an eternity. In a valiant attempt to spare my friends and followers any potential messages from someone crying in their eggnog while they’re celebrating family and friends, I quickly posted a “taking time off” blurb on FaceBook and Twitter and went back to weeping.

Every time I thought I was out of tears, more would show up. Makeup gone. Dogs trying to lick away my sorrow. Prime Rib timer slowly counting down.

I read somewhere long ago that tears are cleansing, that they’re meant to wash away the pain. As a card carrying woman, I’d long ago learned the value of a good cry – but this was soul rattling. The tears somehow helped to drive out some of the demons I’d been suppressing in my futile attempts at bravado.

Somehow, I managed to get the rib out of the oven in time and take pictures of the final product. I even had a slice – and toasted hubby with my glass of Cabernet, although my slices weren’t nearly as picture perfect as his would have been. But, you know, that’s okay.

My life isn’t as picture perfect as I’d hoped it would be, either – but after a healthy cry (one of many more to come, I don’t doubt), it’s not all gloom and doom.

And, I’ve realized that in my little online world, I have many, far too many, friends and acquaintances who are hurting too. As evidenced by the recent stream of celebrity deaths, and by the posts and tweets of people I hold so dear, I am not the only one trying to “fake it till I make it” through this first holiday that we find ourselves abandoned. None of us had throngs of people to mourn with – most of us had no news reports of our loved ones’ passing – and yet, our hurt is just as real, just as earth shattering, just as painful.

My online family has been my lifeline. It must have been the Cabernet talking when I said I’d be taking 6 days off. You’ve been here for me – I’m going to be here for you. So, gentle readers – I’m back. Dusting off the Boomities and prepping the Friday Bum Dance – but I’m back.

I’m looking forward to hopefully sharing wonderful things in 2017 in somewhat of a penance for all the crap we shared in 2016.

The book – oh my gosh – the book (“How The *Bleep* Did You Find Me?”) (Ahem – available on Amazon.com) – is selling and garnering great reviews.

Yes, there will probably be at least one or two, and maybe three, more books.

I’m making travel plans for the new year, and with them, I truly hope to meet so many of you and give you in person the hugs that have had to be internet based to this point. The part of my message that said “See you in 2017” is going to become as much of a reality as I can make it.

The rib was delicious.

The Christmas decorations are being packed away for next year.

I’m going to have to buy more makeup.

Thank you for “the cup of kindness yet” – let’s make this a Happy New Year.

I love you all.

Everyone else is doing their year-end “2016 Was The Year That Was…” and/or their  “Resolutions for the New Year” shtick this week, so I shall be no exception, I suppose. (I think it’s in the blogger’s bylaws or something).

2016. You started out with such promise, darn you.

You took me down some paths and on a journey I never anticipated taking quite this soon.

And yet, for all the heartache, for all the loss, I shall most likely someday look back on you as a most important year.

I think I’ve lost count of the people who’ve told me in one way or another that I’ve been inspirational to them this year. Most assuredly, I did not set out to be an inspiration. Please know that I chose to share hubby’s battle, our struggle, and, ultimately, my grief in a most public fashion. I’m honored, humbled and constantly amazed at the overwhelming outpouring of support, prayers and love from around the world that I, that we, received.

You know, I started the year fancying myself as a new member of the snarky political blogging set. But events conspired to suck the snark right out of me. In the waning days of the year, I find I can no longer sustain the anger, give voice to the outrage, continue the acrimony, maintain the knots in my knickers over all things politic.

When you’ve gone through hell and back with a loved one only to lose him forever, things that once got your adrenaline pumping suddenly lose their import. Hugs and love to those of you who are fortunate enough that the current state of affairs is your most pressing concern. Once you’ve truly seen “the end of the world”, hysterical pretenders to the throne are just that.

What I can give voice to, what I can focus on are the truly common threads between each and every one of us.

The first post on my FaceBook feed this morning was an anguished prayer from a friend crying out to God and beseeching Him for a few more days with his critically ill son. As I continued to scroll, the second post I stopped on was from a beloved friend relating how she had shared coffee with some neighborhood construction workers on a cold wintery day.

I tweeted this morning “I think at our core we all want peace. We love our families, our friends & we want them to be well and safe. We just disagree on the ‘how’.” To me that is more true now than ever. So, gentle readers, at the end of this most tumultuous year, my resolutions are:

To take more breaths.

To distance myself from toxic people and situations.

To appreciate those who have contributed to my life, who have freely given me so much love, so much comfort and yes, even joy even more.

To search as diligently as I can for those common bonds between all of us – and to celebrate each one.

To cherish even more deeply each and every one of you.

I wish you peace.

I wish you love.

Here’s hoping (yet again) for a Happy New Year.

Un autre jour, une autre bataille avec les vautours. (Pardon my French).